These have been some exciting, draining months.
Work is wild with activity – to the point that I feel as though I run in circles each day being incredibly busy, but not really accomplishing anything. I think it’s time to dust off my copy of Getting Things Done and great ready for a good old fashioned brain dump. Maybe then I will start to feel more in control.
It’s also been one of the best times in my life in terms of self-discovery and self-awareness. But let me just tell you, it is exhausting to finally give names and recognition to your demons. We have been studying the enneagram at church and it has become such an incredible tool for me. (If you’re familiar with it, I am a Six). I have long dismissed the way the I felt as not a problem, I’m just a worrier. No big deal. But, being forced to recognize that I am motivated and driven by fear and that my fears are experienced as anxiety has been extremely powerful. I would never have used the words anxiety or fear to describe myself or my actions. To do so would have been to admit that I was anxious and fearful. It would have required admitting that I had a problem.
And I certainly do not have any problems. (She says very confidently). I’ve had friends with anxiety in the past and they were all half crazed and medicated and that most definitely was not one of my struggles.
Except that it is.
But step one of solving a problem is recognizing there is one. And I have been blind to this problem in my life for so long. So, it definitely has been good.
But I also feel exposed and raw. Like the top layer of skin has been rubbed off my entire body.
Understandably, I’ve been feeling like pulling back a little bit. Maybe I don’t need to be involved with enneagram group, life story group, self-awareness/self-disclosure, AND conflict resolution. But it is so hard to know when I’m actually actually pushing past limits that need to be defied or respected. Like, am I doing too much, too fast? Or is this just my shadow-self resisting change and identification?